Singles Shabbaton Chronicles Part 12

Friday 10:30 pm

Miriam and Levi are sitting in a corner of the lobby. I greet them, and briefly consider sitting with them until I notice that they are sharing a bottle of wine . . . . but when I politely wish them goodnight, they both heartily invite me to stay and have wine with them. Meanwhile, Officious Cohen Man comes over to join what he has coined “the English-speakers’ Club.” I mention that I would really like a sufganiyah, but don’t want to go back into the dining room to face the Control Freak Fascist Lady.

Cohen Man asks, referring to my doughnut craving, “Is this your yetzer hatov or your yetzer hara talking?” [“your ‘good inclination’ or your ‘bad inclination’?”] I say “Both. For once they are in agreement.”

He says “Fine, I will bring you a doughnut. Notice I just said I’ll bring the doughnut. I choose my words carefully.” After he’s gone, Miriam and Levi and I wonder aloud what the heck he’s talking about. Is he going to bring a doughnut and then not give it to me? Eat it himself? What the heck?

Cohen Man returns, jelly doughnut in hand. He stands there, not moving. We look at him and Miriam and Levi say “Nu? What’s the situation? Is it that you want the doughnut? Are you going to give it to Sarah or what? What in the world are you on about?” Cohen Man does not answer. After a minute of this, I decide that really he wants it himself, and if he was going to pretend to be chivalrous he could at least have brought out two doughnuts instead of just the one for himself. I get up and start walking toward the dining hall.

Cohen Man is immediately repentant and says “No! Wait! Wait! We can split it!” He starts ripping pieces off the sufganiya. He says “We’ll each take an equal share.” I look into his hands and say “that is really unattractive. I’m going to get my own doughnut” and turn away. He says “Wait! No, really! Here, you can have the whole thing!” I look at his hands full of mangled sufganiyah, and then at him. I roll my eyes, turn on my heel, and get myself a goddamn jelly doughnut.