Monday, January 30, 2006

No More Creepy Old Guys!

Well this was an email I was happy to receive, and which I trust Esther Kustanowitz will treat at more length once she gets wind of it:

Dear DosiDate member,

Chodesh tov! I am pleased to announce a new feature on DosiDate, available only to female members:

You can now set an age range, which will allow only men whose age falls within that range to initiate contact with you.

The reason we added this feature is that some women on the site have expressed discomfort when contacted by men who are many years older than they.
This new feature directly addresses that problem, and will hopefully make DosiDate more pleasant to use for those who take advantage of it.

N.B. This feature will not affect your current communications. That is, if you have already been in contact with a man who falls outside of the age range you set, he will be able to continue communicating with you.


Lisa and Grayson Levy

Given how many men in their 50's have "initiated contact" with me through the various dating websites on which I'm a member, you can bet I went into my Dosidate account right away to set up an acceptable age range. (By the way, Dosidate is also one of the only dating websites that allows you to read your messages without being a paid member.) Don't worry, I was extremely liberal, in both directions, when setting the boundaries. I won't quibble over whether a man is 39 or 40, or even a couple of years after that, though once a man is well into his 40's (that is, more than 8-10 years older than I), we're starting to get into my "I'm willing to meet him, but . . . " range. My policy has long been that if a man is closer to my father's age than he is to mine, he's just out of luck. My father was 24 when I was born. You do the math.

I'm sure I'll get comments -- most likely from men in their 50's -- saying "that is so closed-minded, all that matters is that you are soulmates, what if a man is otherwise compatible, older men are more financially secure, blah blah blah." To which I ask: Let's say you are 53. That is, 20 years older than I am. Would you date a woman who is 20 years older than you are -- ie, 73 years old? If not, don't you think that's closed-minded?

Case closed. Soooooo closed.


I think I need to clarify a few matters, so here it goes:

1. I definitely think both women and men should be open-minded in who they are willing to meet on a date, especially about something like a large age difference. That is why I said that when setting my "acceptable age range" on Dosidate, I was very liberal in both directions. But there is "liberal" and then there is "dirty creepy men who are trolling for trophy wives," and I refuse to cross that line.

2. I don't think I know any woman who is past her late 20's who wouldn't meet a man within 10 years older than she is. A lot of women would be willing to meet a man who is within 15 years of her. Notice the important phrase here, "willing to meet." Most women, in my experience, would prefer to meet someone closer to her own age (and, I admit to a certain affection for men who are within a few years younger than I am). However, I and just about every single woman I know would at least meet a man within a normal age range, and give it a chance. And not uncommonly, those "chances" turn into something beautiful.

3. The much more prevalent problem than that of women who won't date older men is that of men who will not even meet -- or aren't "initiating contact with" -- women of their own age. The men in their 30's want women in their 20's . . . the men in their 40's want women in their 20's or early 30's . . . the men in their 50's want women in their 30's . . . because, you understand, they want a woman who can still bear lots of children for them, and aren't thinking about how absolutely creepy they are being. So, we women in our early thirties are getting contacted by men in their late 40's, 50's, even 60's (I kids you not) . . . when those guys would have much better chances with women in their later 30's, 40's, 50's, etc. You catch my drift.

What ends up happening is that, once you've gotten into the late 30's and 40's, the men stay single because (often) they are completely unrealistic about their dating and reproductive prospects, and the women stay single because the men are completely unrealistic (among other reasons, I'm sure, but right now we're talking about this reason). So everyone ends up lonely and unhappy, in addition to being without the 5 kids that the men covet so badly, even when they are already 55 years old and maybe for them it's just too late. But they'd rather keep trolling for a much younger wife than find a partner who will bring joy to their lives, but maybe not kids, or not so many kids.

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